Six Sentence Sunday – Gotta have that look 9


Remember to check out the full list of participants over at the Six Sentence Sunday home site. In the world of the future, anybody can use genetic treatments to look exactly how they want, except for our hero apparently…

First Six. Second Six. Third Six. Fourth Six. Fifth Six. Sixth Six.
Seventh Six. Eighth Six.

“You can’t sign a waiver until you’re eighteen, Jimmy – and I couldn’t give you one anyway for this kind of allergy. But we can get you started on the rest of your program.”

I was tempted to tell him to shove the program, that if I couldn’t have green eyes none of it was any use, but… “Yeah, let’s go with the rest.”

I’ve always been better with computers than people. After I got home with that first treatment doing its job on all of my cells, I crawled onto the Graph and found out a lot about my local Transform-U franchise, including several details that they don’t really want customers finding out about.

I’ll try to send cupcakes or other fun treats to everybody who comments – no promises this week, though.

Advertisements

6 Responses to Six Sentence Sunday – Gotta have that look 9

  1. Sarah S. says:

    The last paragraph in this SSS entry really kicks up the suspense a notch. I do have one critique for you. I don’t know if you shortened or removed sentences because of the six-sentence rule (if so, then this critique may not apply) but if not, try to draw out the suspense. Pump it up into a bigger shock factor. Right now it feels like he typed Transform-U into a search engine and found the dark side with ease. Have him scour through forums, chatrooms, hacking into databases. He’s supposed to be “better with computers than [most] people”. Don’t be afraid to insert a short paragraph with Jimmy showing off his computer skills.

    Like

    • Thanks so much with your feedback! I shorted some of it for the six-sentence rule, but not actually that last paragraph, so extending it is definitely a good idea! This is from a first draft that I was doing under time pressure for my Summer of Shorts challenge, so I did skim over bits like that.

      Like

  2. Ooh, I would comment even without the cupcakes! 😉 … You definitely added to the intrigue this week. Jimmy is going along with all of these transformations, but what did he find? Will it impact what he will become? Can’t wait to find out more.

    Like

  3. It makes me wonder if this organization is on the up and up. Nice six.

    Like

  4. J.M. Blackman says:

    I don’t need a cupcake. This six is treat enough. I love this society and the desperation and drive of this character. Can’t wait for next week.

    Like

  5. Intriguing! I love that he’s young, and having green eyes is the most important thing to him. It sounds like a great story. 🙂 Nice six…

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: